Lessons in Staying Positive – #8

Words: 959. Reading time: 3 minutes 12 seconds.

Our feelings are contagious. For example, if you are feeling down and disappointed then that feeling is likely to be transmitted subconsciously to those who interact with you.

Some individuals may believe that if they speak in a bright, cheery voice and act in an upbeat manner then that will effectively conceal what else is going on. It rarely does.

Even if the person concerned exactly modulates her voice to the precise pitch and timbre she uses normally when she is actually feeling bright and cheerful, her true inner feelings are almost certain to “leak” into some of the other ways we express ourselves.

These will include facial expressions, verbal dexterity and variety, breathing patterns, eye accessing cues, blink rate, gestures and body language. And it is likely to be the motions of the person’s further extremities, such as feet and fingers that give the game away.

The multiple ways we humans use simultaneously to express ourselves makes whole-body, consistent make-believe a daunting task.

And the longer, deeper and more frequent the interaction, the more likely it is that subconscious transmission will take place. Put simply, the longer pretence is maintained, the more effort it takes.

By the same token, if you are truly feeling buoyant and optimistic then the people you are communicating with will pick up on it. If you have a really good state people will think “I like this person” and be drawn to you.

We are more comfortable with people we like and it is easier to like someone who is happy, just as a warm, sunny day in May is more elevating than a cold, wet Wednesday in November.

We are also more comfortable with people who we think are like us, or who we would like to be like. Given a choice, most people would elect to be happy and most would hesitate to describe themselves as sad, miserable or cheerless. That’s not going to win them any friends.

That happiness is catching is confirmed by a study that followed a whole community of people for 20 years. The study, published in the British Medical Journal, followed more than 4,700 people living in Framingham, Massachusetts from 1983 to 2003. Researchers found that the effect of one happy person could ripple through three degrees of separation. The researchers liken the pattern of happiness transmission to the spread of a virus: those with the most number of happy contacts are the mostly likely to catch the happy bug.

“Happiness is like a stampede,” said [co-author] Nicholas Christakis… “Whether you’re happy depends not just on your own actions and behaviours and thoughts, but on those of people you don’t even know”

In this study certain social relationships were more effective at spreading happiness; the good mood of a next-door neighbour was more contagious than that of a live-in spouse. Friends of the same gender were the most likely source of good cheer.

A temporal element was also detected: the effects of a happy encounter could linger for as long as a year before fading.

One important dimension of such “contagion” has been rightly emphasised by Shigehiro Oishi, a University of Virginia psychologist who studies the causes and consequences well-being. He has said:

"Although we are connected with friends and family members who live far away via cell-phone and the Internet, these results indicate that there is nothing like a face-to-face interaction. We are told to get connected by cell-phone companies, but in order to get connected you really have to live close by and interact face to face.”

Technology is evolving a lot faster than the human animal.

But how can something like happiness be contagious? Some researchers think one of the most likely mechanisms is empathetic mimicry. Psychologists have shown that people unconsciously copy the facial expressions, manner of speech, posture, body language and other behaviours of those around them.

Through a kind of neural feedback, they experience the emotions associated with the particular behaviour they are mimicking.

Barbara Wild and colleagues at the University of Tubingen, Germany, found that the stronger the facial expression, the stronger the emotion experienced by the observer. She believes this process is hardwired, since it acts so rapidly and automatically.

Others suggest it works through the action of mirror neurons, a type of brain cell thought to fire both when we perform an action and when we watch someone else doing it, though it is not clear whether the mimicking would cause the neurons to fire or whether their firing would trigger the mimicry.

What is clear is that unconscious imitation allows people to "feel a pale reflection of their companions' actual emotions" and even "feel themselves into the emotional lives of others", says Elaine Hatfield, of the University of Hawaii.

There is plenty of evidence for emotional contagion outside the lab. In 2000, Peter Totterdell at the University of Sheffield found a significant association between the happiness of professional cricketers during a match and the average happiness of their teammates, regardless of other factors such as whether the match was going in the team's favour.

Other studies have found that waiters who offer service with a smile are rewarded with bigger tips.

In NLP this is called being in uptime. Make sure your head, your heart and your happiness are all on the same plain before launching into any key activity, particularly where it involves face-to-face contact. If not, then postponing to a better time - or making a phone call instead - might be the better strategy.

In business giving your clients, the people you are communicating with, the sense of having your “unconditional positive regard”; that you are there for them and with them; that they have your undivided attention, is the foundation on which good rapport is based.

Imparting happiness with the deal is a big bonus worth having.

What’s Your Barometer Reading?

Words: 489 Reading time: 1 minute 36 seconds

When we are sailing along smoothly on an even keel the chances are that one of two things is true:

a) Either things could be a lot better, but we are not pushing the envelope, or
b) Things could be on the verge of getting a lot worse, because we are forgetting to notice the potential threats.

In the current economic climate, which is more likely to be true for you?

In recent weeks I have had three different businesses approach me with essentially the same problem – getting the right amount of money out of clients on a timely basis. The problem manifested itself in three different ways:

~ Collection of debt
~ Terms of business
~ Pricing

The common factor between these three was forgetting to make clear to the clients concerned what the expectations were surrounding payment. The reason for such forgetfulness is common to us all. So common, in fact, that Pace and Kyeli Smith have coined a term to cover it: “The Usual Error”.

The Usual Error in this case was the belief by the business owners concerned that their clients viewed the need to make adequate payment in a timely manner in the same way that they did themselves. Big mistake.

Paul Watzlawick’s theory on communication is relevant here. One of his axioms says that you cannot not communicate, because every behaviour is a kind of communication. Any perceivable behaviour, including the absence of action, has the potential to be interpreted by other people as having some meaning.

These businesses had – probably inadvertently – let their clients know that low, unsecured or delayed payment was not an issue. In fact it was and is in every case, proving that while you cannot not communicate, you can not communicate accurately.

The tale I usually use in these circumstances is of the couple on their first date. The boy is waiting at the appointed time and place, but the girl arrives 20 minutes late.

If the boy complains on that occasion and on any subsequent occasions the girl will get the message that timekeeping is important to him. However, if says nothing about lateness, then he is opening the door to constant lateness on future dates.

Whatever he does, or does not do, sends a very specific message.

If you are in a hole, as these businesses were, the only way out is to first know that you are there. Knowing you have a problem puts you well on way fixing it. And knowing that you can fix it helps your mood, your attitude and strengthens your inclination to take action.

Watching your business barometer will let you know if the wind direction is about to shift, if you face storms, or if you are about to become becalmed.

Having some warning of what is just round the corner is really useful, even though it is but the first step on the path to a better outcome.

Lessons in Staying Positive – #7

Words: 526. Reading time: 1 minute 46 seconds.

By and large we all start out as resilient individuals. It is that attribute in the very young – the ability and willingness to bounce back – that takes us all through the many and varied hazards of growing up.

As youngsters we are typically curious and persistent. In learning to walk we fall many times, but it seems to make little difference. A few minutes later we are trying again. The same goes for climbing, talking, eating, dressing and a host of other skills we master as we grow.

We even shrug off our parents’ ire at being pestered and plagued into doing what they repeatedly tell us they are not going to do until our corrosive beleaguering causes them to give in to our demands, just to buy a little peace.

But, as we get older, we often lose that perseverance, even when it is in our own interests to maintain it. We give more weight to opinions that are not our own. We become more timid, self-effacing and deprecating. We pass it off as being considerate, even well-mannered, when in truth it is self-sabotaging and self-denying.

But did you know that resilience is a skill that can be re-learned?

I mean really re-learned, in life-or-death situations, not just as a soft and easy exercise in the comfort of a classroom or as part of a course.

Survivors re-learn from other survivors the resilience skills those people possess. This is true of people who have survived in a concentration camp, successfully recovered against the odds from a terminal illness or survived some other major life event or situation.

Although such 'survivors' are all different, it has been found that they all have certain traits and skills in common. These include objectivity, humour and persistence.

And you can redevelop these skills too.

Survivor traits have a fascinating irony about them.

Although you might think that to be a survivor is 100% positive, the very traits that make an individual a survivor are those that are most often criticised by others.

For example, survivors are often labelled as 'pessimists' because they anticipate problems.

However, the difference between a standard pessimist and a survivor is that survivors are 'optimistically pessimistic' – they anticipate challenges, act on them and know that whatever happens they will not only survive - but thrive.

Many survivors have also been labelled as having a 'warped' sense of humour, or of 'not fitting in' or 'not playing by the rules'.

And to survive that is sometimes what it takes. When everyone else is giving up and becoming resigned to their fate because “it is happening to everybody; it’s a world problem” you will be inevitably marked out as different if you refuse to conform to the norm and accept your fate.

There is no such thing as a “world problem”. The world has no problems, only us humans.

And you can become part of that problem, or you can build your resilience and find a solution.

As Virginia Satir put it so well, “Life is not what it’s supposed to be. It’s what it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.”